THE BLUE VERVAIN KITCHEN
11. CRAZY PRETZELS
• beer
• a 2 pound bag of nibblers
• EVO
• chipotle
• oregano
• kosher coarse salt
• coarse ground black pepper
This is a very dangerous cold beer companion. In fact, if you love beer, I would strongly urge you NOT to learn how to make this stuff. If you do, you’ll need to give your car keys to a responsible friend who won’t take any crap when things go south on you. The problem is that your friend will most likely suffer the same condition as you’ve got and then what?
If you choose to give these a try, do NOT allow anyone to watch. It will freak them out. Totally! Also, leave any inhibitions in another room. It is literally impossible for timid people to make these.
If you make these correctly, there will be absolutely no doubt about it. If you are uncertain about the results, you held back.
For these to be made correctly, you will have to get over your natural tendency of being sensible. You will use a hell of a lot more EVO, salt, oregano and chipotle than you would think possible. In fact, you will f-up your first batch but that would be a great learning experience. I would be extremely surprised if you take it too far. Next time, make adjustments – probably more of something – not less.
Make sure these are sourdough in the nugget form. I always do 2 lbs. – seems to work out better.
You have to start out with a hot dry kadai or wok. Toss continually until the nuggets are too hot to handle before adding the EVO. I don’t mean very warm. I mean so hot that they begin browning in the dry pan. Pick up a couple of them and place in your palm. If it brings tears to your eyes, they are ready for the oil.
Don’t bother making these if you aren’t working from a big bottle of EVO. Glug it on and all over. As you probe the bottom with your double wooden paddles, the oil should be pooled (and deep) at the bottom.
Hey folks, let’s not forget why we’re doing this. It’s all about beer. We know that beer dispensing establishments cannot serve these as it would increase beverage sales exponentially. One should only sell so much of the brew.
Add a generous palm of kosher salt and don’t ever stop tossing. The nuggets will begin to absorb the EVO and gradually begin to become a toastier brown. This remains in hot flame mode.
Probe the bottom to make sure there is still some oil pooling. When all of the oil has been absorbed it is time to add some more – and some more salt.
Keep tossing. By this time you can back off the heat from high to low.
Another probe and the oil has been absorbed. Now it’s time to get serious about flavor.
At this time the intense heat has subsided. A big handful of dry oregano. Toss. Another handful and toss. If the pan is still too hot, the herbs and chipotle will smoke (a little smoke is okay).
Now for the chipotle and black pepper. Don’t forget that this is entirely about beer and its perfect foil. You’ve got go for the gold otherwise what’s the point?
Toss and spread out on a big hunk of tin foil or pan to cool evenly. You don’t need to wait for them to cool before checking them out although the cooler they are the more explosively crunchy they become.
If they don’t explode between your teeth, you must admit to being a hopeless failure as a cooker although redemption is no further than a second attempt. One can easily be redeemed – it’s just a matter of investing in more materials.
Don’t worry about the goo at the bottom of the kadai. Throw it away. It is spent and has no more value to you.
Limit yourself to one beer or maybe just split one. This is our hometown beer and it’s almost as good as my pretzels and that’s saying something.
Carol Ann and I love Founder’s Centennial IPA and their Porter.
Note: Serve them slightly warmed (not the beer) if possible.
MORE BLUE VERVAIN KITCHEN ESSAYS
6. easy reach vegetables
7. peel an egg
8. stretch a chicken
9. chicken stock fundamentals
10. motley salmon
11. crazy pretzels
12. cannellini basics
13. quick chicken soup
14. a dinner surprise
Thanks for visiting with me.
Paul V’Soske
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